I had to share a few more pictures of Oregon, mostly my instagram pics, because they are some of my favorites. And I wanted to share something that has been weighing me down. Hopefully to find clarity and to give thanks for what is true and already very clear.
I did see my sisters in Oregon and sadly that part of my trip did not go so well. It was good, then went really bad. Family and past events can be such a difficult thing to navigate through. It can really suck! Grudges, misunderstandings and misplaced anger can bubble up from deep down, especially after not seeing each other for over 4 years.
I moved away from a very difficult childhood at an early age and have focused hard on looking forward and building a happy, safe and beautiful life for myself and my family. For me, this meant keeping my past and my family at a distance, pretty much doing the exact opposite of everything I knew growing up. This has worked for me and I am thankful everyday for the happy life I’ve carved out for myself.
It is difficult to know what to do when it comes to family. How do I release the past and also make room for the people in that past into my future? Having no control as a child has forced me to take control of my life in a big way. So much so, that when cornered, up against a wall, when feeling unsafe and losing control, I tend to become closed off and angry.
I am learning so much as I become older and still have so much to learn. One thing is becoming very clear. I know exactly the kind of people I need in my life.
Seeing my friend Katy (above) on this same trip (after all the drama) thankfully helped me emerge from murky waters. She really stepped in as a true friend and brought sunshine back into my Oregon trip. I learned so much about myself and the relationships that I need and want in my life.
I learned from her that there are so many of us out there with heartbreak, abuse, and tumultuous stories. I am not alone! Our stories are not worse, better or more horrible than the next. They are unique and personal and we carry and deal with them differently and it is painful and tender and very sensitive.
Every woman has a sacred story and when we give that story to someone, we can only hope that they take special care to gently hold it and carry it without judgement, with care, love and acceptance, without fault, blame and without using it as a tool for insult later.
I rely heavily on my husband and children to be my safe place, but it is so good to have a safe place in my friends (you know who you are). Katy, thank you for being a safe place for me. Thank you for gently holding my story in your heart. I carry your story in mine, always.